Does NEWS look better NAKED?
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
[VERY VERY PERVY POST ALERT, ALL INNOCENT KIDS SHOULD BE PLACED FAR AWAY FROM THIS POST]
Well, I shall try to figure out whether the popular JE group really does look better naked and wet. Don't get so excited girls, no frontal nudity here. I'm running a family-friendly blog here..... sort of at least.
Their latest single Taiyou no Namida comes with booklets of them being either clothed and dry or wet and naked. Needless to say, some of them were better naked and some should just put their clothes back on and stop scaring all of us.
Yamapi. I never did like Yamapi a ton, but at least nowadays he looks rather decent in photos. His clothed headshot is a bit unflattering, due to his head being held a tad high, resulting in a slight double chin. It's kind of odd really, that someone as skinny as Yamapi can end up with a double chinned picture too. Chin aside, the other thing I have a gripe about are those UGLY GLOVES.
What are those gloves for honestly?! I know some gloves are fingerless because someone thought it was cool back in the day (who was that, erm.... Ash from POKEMON perhaps?) but seriously, KNUCKLELESS TOO? What good would a knuckleless, fingerless glove be? Fighting with it would cause your knuckles to bleed so I'm guessing that's out, and surely you can't be helping your old grandma carry hot pies out of the oven, because well, these gloves hardly protect you in any way. So that's probably leaves me with one other activity I can think of - SM. I mean, they're leather and kind of kinky what with the holes and all so isn't SM the only thing one can use these gloves for? That and golf, my those golfers can be so cheeky at times.
And then they show us his full outfit, and surprise surprise, his other hand has no glove. So this is a one fingerless knuckleless glove outfit. Beware world! A new trend is gonna smack you in the face harder than Soulja boy. Damn that is scary.
But my eyes head south and woah. I'm gonna be the perv and help everyone say this but THOSE ARE SOME TIGHT PANTS. I mean, is this even legal? Well, heck with the law for now, let's stare at Yamapi's crotch. (My grandma would convulse if she read this. I would convulse if she understood this, considering all she speaks is Chinese and Hokkien. Aikes)
He does look rather big doesn't he? But I reckon it's only because he's wearing his pants really low and his belt buckle is pushing down on things it shouldn't. Ouch. Perhaps he's still thinking about that model in anan. Or Ryo. *shrugs* So in this picture, Yamapi is either really happy, or really sad. Girls, you can stop drooling now.
And then the clothes come off. No full body shot this time, much to the dismay of many many fans. No double chin! That's already better than the first picture. No odd kinky glove! Another point for naked pi. What's odd about this picture is how his face and hair stays amazingly dry when there are like water droplets on his body already. Too much hairspray and makeup perhaps? Other than that, this is a rather okay shot of Yamapi. VERDICT: NAKED PLEASE.
Shige. Or Kato as I am so accustomed to calling him. His headshot is really okay, except for the hair. Or should I say the hay. His hair looks like if you run your fingers through it, you should be prepared to have tons of scratches on them afterwards. Nothing much else wrong with it.
But the full body shot is a whole other matter. His face is visibly more swollen and his squinty eyes somehow remind me or a really pissed off chihuahua. His face also seems a little spread out. And, his arms look way huger than I suspect they are in real life. I suppose I can forgive the odd scarf, because without it, I think he'd really look like GTO. So all in all, I'm not too sure whether that was a good shot or not. But his pants....
Am I seeing things, or is that just wow. Kato doesn't look like the kind that packs a lot down there, but apparently he does. My, my. Well, I suppose it's a good shot then. Am I right ladies? *wink wink*
His naked shot however is really impressive. His hair doesn't look like hay anymore, and just looks kind of wet, which is what it is supposed to look like anyways. I'm not too sure what to think of the slanted-body pose though. Was it because he doesn't have impressive collarbones, and that's how they're trying to hide it? Was it because they shot the group all at once (much like what they do for their Uchiwas) and so Kato was trying to push down his height to make it more level with the others and hence the slanted-ness? But isn't he shorter than Yamapi and Koyama? If Yamapi can stand straight why can't he? Sigh, I'm confusing myself.
At this point of time, I must say, Kato is a really photogenic person compared to some of the others in NEWS. His worst shot could easily be better than someone else's best shot. As long as he doesn't smile too widely that is, that smile scares me sometimes.VERDICT: ANYTHING WILL DO, JUST GIMME.
Ryo, oh Ryo. If you cover the left half of the headshot, the picture actually looks really amazing. His eye is bright at least. But the other side.... I mean, what is that fringe doing there? It makes his eye smaller, and it's possibly just his eye reflex to squint a little. The whole fierce face is not doing it for me either for some odd reason. It looks like... a glorified mugshot of a really good-looking guy with one small eye. Also, the hair! THE HAIR! What is that clump of thing at the top? Is that a freaking toupee or something? TAKE. IT. AWAY.
That aside, Ryo is thankfully blessed with incredible bone structure, which at least makes him look much more sexier than he should be in that first shot.
But we come to the second shot and it's headtable all over again. Let's start with the face. Tell me he doesn't look like he just woke up. The hair, the nearly-closed eyes, the can't-be-bothered expression, he has all the qualities of a just-wake-upper. And we forgive him, because he is Ryo, so we move on to his clothes.
WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE GIGANTIC COLLARS?! WHO DESIGNED THESE? A SAILBOAT ENGINEER? Give me some wind and we'll have a flying Ryo. Hopefully that will wake him up. Not really crazy about the bad fit on those sleeves either. He could hide a squirrel or two in there.
AND ALL IS FORGIVEN.
More of that bone structure I was talking about, and this time his eyes are more well-proportioned. His collarbone is also really well defined, as are other parts of his body (as all of us fans know =D). His face is still really mug-shot-ish, but at least he looks fierce. The previous headshot was just... dazed/zoned out/on drugs. Best of all, HIS TOUPEE IS GONE. THANK THE ARITIFICIAL RAIN! I also like that his ears looks elfish in this photo (as it did in the previous one, just that I was too distracted by the sheer badness of his hair), and how he doesn't look so yellow. I'm not too sure why, but it is especially apparent in Ryo's photo. The others don't have it as bad.VERDICT: NAKED PLEASE.
What is it with the bad hair? CHOP THOSE TAIL-ENDS AWAY! They make him look like a rich, arrogant lady who keeps 1000 poodles at home and says "ghastly!" when her tea is cold. Thankfully, his headshot expression is still okay, but is that a hoodie-suit?! Who ever came up with the idea of a hoodie-suit? I mean, even the SOUND of it is ridiculous. And the full body shot? Well, let's just say the angry look in the full body shot just makes Tegoshi look like a petulant child. Don't you just want to slap that pout off his face?
And well, he's really nothing to talk about in terms of his package, so moving on!
He's still pouting, but at least he looks slightly sexier here. I like how his hair is all over his face without being TOO sloppy, so there's some sort of balance achieved. His collarbones look skeletal and oddly horizontal, almost like a table to place some coffee. I mean, it's almost surprising that the water doesn't just collect from the outsides of his shoulders, flow inwards then drip down his chest or something. No more silly perky tail-ends too, perhaps that's why he looks so much better this time. VERDICT: WET PLEASE.... will consider about the naked.
Masuda. He is the least photogenic of the lot, and yet he has to go through this sad emo photoshoot. Needless to say, all his photos turned out a bit horrid. His face shot has uneven eyes, and even a double eyebag on the right sight. His right cheek is chubbier than his left on both photos too. He looks really really tired. Thankfully, his hair looks quite soft and simple, so that's a plus at least. His clothes however are just unsuitable. He looks like the kind of stereotypical old man you see on TV all the time in his bedroom robes walking around with the newspaper and coffeecup in his hand. Heck, he even has the sleepy face to go along with it. The headshot somehow gives me the impression that he is avoiding the camera, like he's backing away or something. Not impressive at all.
Same could be said for his nether regions.
And then we have the naked shot. Now his hair is really just overly wet, but since this is supposed to be a wet shoot, I shall overlook that. His eyes look dead, not expressionless, but dead. His mouth being slightly opened is just... piggy. I don't know, it makes him look way chubbier than he really is. Perhaps it's just his thick lips or something. Thankfully, his collarbones are much much nicer as compared to skeletegoshi. Gentle yet defined, they don't look exaggerated yet are still boyish enough. Not loving the eyebags still.VERDICT: ..... I honestly don't know. Naked, dry and happy perhaps?
Koyama is my least favorite member of the lot. For some odd reason, he looks scary recently. He is SO skinny, and his face is so long and sharp and thin that he'd probably look dead darn nightmarish with clown paint on his face. Both these photos prove my point. His eyes while both proportionate, are kind of odd due to the fact that one of them is a NEAR double-eyelid and one of them is a single-eyelid. He too has the double eyebag that Masuda has. Damn he should get some sleep. He's the only one smiling in the head shot, yet it fits well with the rest of the photos because of how sinister and dark that smile is (evil clown, evil clown, evil clown.... *slaps self*). His hair is really just too heavy on one side (the right) and make him look more off than he already is.
His full body shot show off his clothes, which are honestly not bad, had the stylist chosen not to give him her blanket. His eyes look really tiny and impactless, but at least the clothes fit him well.
See what I mean.
The naked shot of him is really just... weird. Cover his nose, ears and the rest of his upper face, leaving only the mouth and his neck down. Doesn't that look very very feminine? I mean, other than the adam's apple of course but still! Far too delicate collarbones for a male, made only worse by the overly gentle accessories. He could have done with something more dark in color, or thicker. At least that would have given him a bit more macho. His face in this one looks slightly less evil, so that's good as well. His hair and face is really dry, although at least the heavy side seems to have been shifted to make it more evened out. The double eyebags are still there, but his near double-eyelid on his left eye is gone, much to my relief. Erm.... nice lips?
VERDICT: Naked with better accessories please.
Overall, the result's a bit expected, but yes. Most of them do look better naked and most of them do well when wet too. And most of them have really big.... AHEM. I think I shall end my post just about now.